I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
