Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
