connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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