I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
this is an emotional support booty call
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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