All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
