Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
