Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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