i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
