I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
