Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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