I don't usually arrange sex via text message
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
