How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
