ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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