What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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