M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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