when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
