if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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