I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
All I want is dick and wine.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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