Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
