I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think my vagina is haunted
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I wish there were birth control emojis
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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