Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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