This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
