Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
