Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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