I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
