i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
