I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
