I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
