just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
