I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize