I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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