You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
