The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
