Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
