I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
