i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
