I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
