i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize