the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
