Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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