I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
