if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
