New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
