They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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