the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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