u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
