Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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