The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
