I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
