If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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