why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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