no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
