i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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