Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
