Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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