you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
im holly from the hills drunk
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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