she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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